one week till the election
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receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
For the ones in the back.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job