one week till the election
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Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
