One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
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My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.