Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

How can I say no to this ?

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

so this horse walks into a bar

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen