One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
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I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
adding to the discourse
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My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
WWE is French for “yes”
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Me trying to “trust the process”
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