Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

“Whistle while you work”

~The boogers in my nose

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*

Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

Confused owl: What?!

me, after any kind of buffet.

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

What fresh Hell is this?!?

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

serving silly goose instead of turkey

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.