Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

[Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I’m fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.

GF:

M:

GF:

M: What?

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

New mindset, who dis?

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

Why do meteors always land in craters?

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.