Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
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The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history