Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
You Might Also Like
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger