Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.