Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

Me: What’s your favourite book?

Her: Well, I love 1984

Me: Ok, but just choose one.

Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.

Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.

Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.

What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.