Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

*my obituary*

Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.