Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

HERE’S MARKY

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda