Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.

Me: Please throw them in the dryer.

Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.

Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

whatcha thinkin bout

No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

i will avenge u mr van gogh

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”