Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
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Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁