Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

Current mood: Potato

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR