Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
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What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.