Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
You Might Also Like
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant