Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
You Might Also Like
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Still my favourite meme.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it