Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.

🙂🙃🥹

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

She was rare, like a goth jogging

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.

I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.