Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you