Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

I have taken up painting

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

Guys which shade of gery should I get

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”

Jogging

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.