Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
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Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
🙂🙃🥹
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
me: my friends:
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn