Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
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Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”