Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
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Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Liquor Store Parking
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
hey, alexa
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”