If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
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I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight