Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
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me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.