Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
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She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?