Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

So glad we cleared that up

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.