Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
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Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Anyone really
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.