Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
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I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.