@AmericanGent69

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

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@That_kids_dad

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

@lovemydogduck

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

@brennadine

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

@NrouteHQ

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

@Kendragarden

I said “Margarita” 3 times in the mirror instead of “Bloody Mary” and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.

@Kryzazy

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

@Ivsy01

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

@shariv67

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

@bourgeoisalien

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”