Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
You Might Also Like
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure