Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

🇺🇸🤭

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

i prefer mine room temperature.

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob