Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
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Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.