Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
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*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
i just found this in my phone
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
This is my bus stop.
