Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
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Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Fiction has to make sense.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
sigh
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
You are not alone 💚
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.