Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in

am i cooked

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.