Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.