Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
You Might Also Like
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Knock Knock