@JaneBadall

Online relationships – For when you want to be disappointed by imaginary people, too.

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@megfraser

I’m surprised “slow internet connection” doesn’t come up more often as a motive in murder trials.

@Jake_Vig

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

@tupactopus

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

@AndrewNadeau0

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

@OfficialMizGin

Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.

Me: How many more until you get a personality?

@QwertyJones3

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

@Kristen_Arnett

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

@SugarMagicSpice

I wish I had as much confidence as the dude that’s getting ready to eat that gas station sushi has.

@MikeRevenaugh

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons