Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Online relationships – For when you want to be disappointed by imaginary people, too.
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My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
If aliens are supposed to be so much more advanced than us, how did ET not know about texting?
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
1. Take pictures of every cat in your neighborhood
2. Make missing cat posters with the pictures
3. Get all the cats