I’m surprised “slow internet connection” doesn’t come up more often as a motive in murder trials.
Online relationships – For when you want to be disappointed by imaginary people, too.
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I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!
PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.
Me: How many more until you get a personality?
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I wish I had as much confidence as the dude that’s getting ready to eat that gas station sushi has.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons