WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
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Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.