Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
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I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
called in thicc to work this morning
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae