Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

You’re never alone. Theres mold

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?