Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
You Might Also Like
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?