Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
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Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
see next tweet for some translations
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂