Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!

Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral