online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
