Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
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me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.