Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes