Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof