Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.

thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious