Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.