“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
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The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Pizza is an emotion right?
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
