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Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Does this dress make me look cat?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
