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Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?