Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it