Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

Lassie, get help!

“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?