Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.

Need WebMD

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

my retirement plan is braless

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it