Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.