Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
You Might Also Like
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
My dad teaching me to drive
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
The cashier just checked me out.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!