“Hey bro shotgun this beer”
No I don’t drink
“You wanna be cool don’t you?”
I don’t drink
Grandma PLEASE stop
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
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me: how much per hour?
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.