@BuckyIsotope

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

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@PuncherJetpack

“Hey bro shotgun this beer”
No I don’t drink
“You wanna be cool don’t you?”
I don’t drink
“C’mon NERD!”
Grandma PLEASE stop

@TheTimmyToes

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

@fro_vo

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

@joejwest

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

@gvicks

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

@MoneypennyNaked

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

@Jake_Vig

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

@TheAlexNevil

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

@timdonakowski

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

@Donna_McCoy

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.