Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently