Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.