Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever

LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?

WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes

LAWYER:

WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy

LAWYER: …I have concerns

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?