Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
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Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Bruh
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Monday
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.