Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

You saw nothing. I am ham.

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.