Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
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Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
My safe word is Worcestershire