Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
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“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.