Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.
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Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.