Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

Twitter is an abusement park.

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted