Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Uh oh 👀
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
i will not be silenced
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”