Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
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People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery