Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
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My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
All right then, keep your secrets
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.