Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.