Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

My zodiac sign is pistachio

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?