Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
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When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?