Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

Accurate

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”