“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
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that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.