Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.

Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

Seems legit

GM✌🏻

Snapes on a plane.

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time